He Says We Can’t Have Kids When We Marry And This is His Reason…

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It was during my uncle’s funeral when I saw him. My uncle was a lawyer when he died so the law community came to his funeral. After the funeral service, a group of people came to the house to greet the family and when they came, I served them water and drinks. After serving this man he asked me my name and I told him; “I’m Ruby.” He said, “Can we talk when you’re a little free?” I said, “I doubt if I would ever be free. The people keep coming and I have to keep serving them.” He asked me to give him my number. I did. He gave me a complimentary card. That was when I got to know he was also a lawyer.

One day he called. He asked, “You didn’t save my number, I guess.” I said, “I did but I couldn’t call because I thought whatever you wanted to tell me had lost its essence.” He said, “Not at all. Intention for friendship doesn’t lose essence because. I want you to be my friend. I was watching you all the time that you were serving. I think I would need a friend like you in my life.”

He was forty-seven years old. All through our friendship, I was wondering what he wanted from me. “Just friendship or he wanted something more?” He called for several days and whenever he got the time, he called on video for us to see each other. He had a very smart approach to solving every problem that I discussed with him. I started growing fond of him and even started boasting to my friends that my boyfriend was a lawyer when he hadn’t even proposed.

One day he asked me to travel to Kumasi to visit him. I said, “I don’t want your wife to beat me oo.” I said this only to invite him to talk about his relationship status. I said, “Don’t you have anyone who will pounce on me and beat me just because I’m walking with you?” He laughed and said, “I would have told you long ago if I had someone. I’m single. There’s no one in my life and that would soon change only if you’ll accept to be my girlfriend.”

I asked, “Is that your way of asking me to be your girlfriend?” He said, “Yes, that’s if you don’t have anyone in your life at the moment.” I said, “Wait for me. I would be in Kumasi over the weekend to see you. We would talk about it while I’m there.”

I went to visit. He lived in a place I thought was too big for just one person. That night when we were about to sleep, I asked him, “So you live in this big place all by yourself?” He said, “I’ve been married before so I was living here with my wife and two kids before my wife passed away.” I gave him my condolences. I said, “I’m sorry if I brought you sad memories. I didn’t intend to.” He said, “No it’s alright. It’s been five years already since she died. The dead are gone. The living are to find a way to heal and move on too. So, I’m getting better each passing day.”

The next morning, he told me about his kids. He said, “After my wife died, my senior sister came for them. So, they are living with my senior sister in Canada now.” I asked, “Don’t you miss them?” He said, “They are the reason I know how to do a video call. I talk to them on video a lot and it feels like they were here. They are in better hands so I have no worries.”




I left Kumasi feeling very connected to him. His story about his wife and kids rubbed me in a way I didn’t expect. I loved him more that day and wanted to be with him more often than I could. I spent three days with him but it felt like I’d spent forever with him. He would wake up early in the morning, water the grasses in the compound, and also water the plants in the house. He would go to the kitchen and make food for us. He wouldn’t let me do anything even when I insisted. He said, “You came for a holiday so you have to just sit and enjoy.”

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That Sunday I thought I should do his laundry for him so I asked him how his washing machine was operated. He said, “We’ll need some clothes for this demonstration,” I said, “Bring your laundry and let’s use it for the demonstration.” He went inside there and came back with something I thought was his boxers. He opened it up and I realized it was my panty. He said, “I think this would do.” I screamed, “Ahhhhhh why would you do that?” I jumped on him and asked him to give me my panty. It turned into a love fight and that moment became the spotlight of my visit.

I loved his free-spirited nature and said to myself, “If this guy asks me to marry him tomorrow, I swear I’ll get my gown ready and meet him in church.”

Every Friday after work, I would travel to Kumasi to visit him. Because of him, I was always anxious about Friday. I wanted Friday to fly by quickly so I could pack my bag and travel to Kumasi to see him. The love I had for him kept growing each day because each day brought something new into our lives. There was maturity in the way he expressed his love and I felt this aura of protection and comfort around him each time we were together.

One day he came home to see my mom. I said, “Mom, meet my friend.” She said, “Is this not the gentleman you always talk to me about?” I blinked my eye to tell her to stop. She continued, “The gentleman you said is your boyfriend and can’t wait to marry him? Why are you introducing him to me as your friend?” I blinked again. Did sign language to tell her to shush but this woman wouldn’t listen. She went on; “My in-law, I’ve heard only good things about you. Don’t mind her. She’s trying to hide it but she loves you papa. I pray something comes out of this.” My man was frozen with shyness. He didn’t know what to do or say. He stood there laughing sheepishly until I pulled him away. Our relationship was only a year old.

When he returned to Kumasi he told me, “There’s something I need to tell you. I should have told you long ago but I didn’t think this relationship would go this far.” My heart skipped a beat. The way he sounded, it was as though he was coming to tell me something very serious. I asked anxiously, “What is it. Please tell me.” He said, “I’ve had a vasectomy. I did it when we had our second child. My wife’s health didn’t allow her to do so many things so I didn’t want to add the burden of family planning. If we marry, we can’t have children.”

 

My heart started beating fast for some seconds and came to a stop abruptly. “I screamed in my head, “Whaaaaat!” He asked, “Are you there?” I said, “I’m here. I just don’t know what to say. It took me by surprise. So, you mean there’s nothing we can do about it?” He said, “I doubt. People say it’s not 100% protective against pregnancy but the chances are extremely slim. It’s not something we can hold on to if you want kids.”

Why do good things always come with bad things? Can’t a rose do without thorns? Should every path come with a puddle? I couldn’t say no and I couldn’t say yes. We are still dating but both of us still don’t know what the future holds for our relationship. I know I can’t do it—marry and not have kids. I’ve told him that. But somehow, I also think I should hang on to that slim hope that he could give me a child. They say there’s only one pregnancy per every thousand vasectomies. Maybe I should hope that he would be that one out of the thousand.




We’ve dated for over two years. I still love him and still want to be with him but somedays my head tells me I’m wasting my time so I should walk away but my heart tells me to stay. I don’t know what to do. I simply can’t figure anything out right now. What should I do—Should I or I Shouldn’t go on with him?

–Ruby

 

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