His Sense Of Inadequacy Is Killing Our marriage

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I was twenty-two when Lord proposed to me and I accepted. I accepted his proposal because of the good things he was doing for me at that time but nothing about him showed he was going to be my husband. He was thirty-two years—ten years older than I am. I didn’t believe anything could work out between us, considering his age and experience. But As time went on and I stuck around him, his true colors came to the fore and I loved the colors he was made of. I got my first job through him and he led me into the first investment that brought me a lot of money to be able to rent my own place and set off as an independent person from my family. 

I was twenty-five when he said we should get married. I agreed because, why not? We got married and soon moved in together. Life was good. We had no worries in particular. We woke up each morning, went to work, and came back to the house later in the evening. But somewhere along the line, I realized something was missing. Lord will come back home, eat his food, watch tv for a while and later go to bed. When he slept, nothing could wake him up, not my incessant touches nor the several attempts I made to wake him up to perform his nightly duties. He would sleep through all the disturbances until morning comes. 

In the morning, he would be the first to wake up, rush to the bath and get ready for work. If I didn’t know him before we got married, I would have taken that as normal. When we were dating, this guy didn’t know when to stop. He could do it morning, afternoon, and evening. I remember at some point, I refused to go to his house for two weeks because I couldn’t stand his appetite for intimacy. We got married and all of a sudden, his appetite had taken a nosedive. At times I thought there was something wrong with me; “Maybe I’m no longer appealing. or maybe I’m not doing enough to catch his attention.”

So I went on Google and searched, “How to get your husband to want you again.”  I read everything I found online and decided to put it into practice. One article said I should be flirty when we are not together. So one afternoon at work, I sent him a lot of naughty messages trying to bring his mind to the match. I even added a sexy voice note to it. Later in the day, he came to respond; “Hey, what has come over you? Ain’t you suppose to be working? Wasting productive hours trying to talk nonsense. My friend, focus on work.”

When he came home that evening, he was very angry with me. He said, “I married a woman who’s suppose to be my wife and not a whore. Know the difference.” So I seized the opportunity to draw his attention to how things have dried up since we got married and how he’s not doing enough to revive it. He asked, “Is that the reason you were sending me those silly messages? Can’t you talk?” That night he slept in the hall and left me lonely in the bedroom. In the morning I apologized. He didn’t say anything.

A week or so later, at dawn I felt his hand moving around my body. I did the sign of the cross and recited hail Mary in my head. Minutes later he was on top of me. Just when I was warming up to the game, he got down, turned to the wall, and started sleeping. I was like, “Is that all? After two months or so you come up again and that’s all you could do?” He said, “Hey what is coming over you? What are you turning into? You call this not enough?” I told him, “Dear, you know that is not enough. Remember when we were dating? Was that how you were doing it? “He said, “Take it like that. You’re even lucky to get some minutes. Some married women don’t get a second” I said, “How long is that going to continue? Be careful you don’t push me into temptation.”

That was all I said and this man got angry. “Put you into temptation? you mean you’re going to chase after men because I’m not giving you enough? Is that what you mean?” I felt his anger so I said, “Dear that’s not what I mean but I’m sorry if it came out the wrong way.” He kept ranting and ranting until it was very late in the night before he slept. 

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Things changed around the house since that incident. I woke up one dawn and saw my husband going through my phone. I had nothing to hide. I watched on as he scrolled through miles and miles of messages looking for evidence of infidelity on my phone. The next morning, he asked, “Who is David?” I asked, “I know a lot of guys called David. Which one are you talking about?” He said, “I’m talking about the one you’re cheating with.” I asked, “Me? Cheating with a David? How?” He went through his phone and showed me a screenshot he had taken from my phone. I laughed. He asked, “Why was he calling you dear and why was he missing you?” I opened my phone and went through the original message and showed him the date. I said, “This David is a classmate who lives abroad. Come to think of it, this message is over three years old and that was the last time I spoke with him so why

His face went dull. He said, “You, I’m monitoring you. I better don’t catch you cheating.” I said, Cheating isn’t on my mind but I’ll be happy if I get my old Lord back. That’s all I’m asking for.”

Another time, I came home an hour or so late. Hell broke loose. “Where did you go? And whose bed were you warming?” At this point, I’ve had it to my neck so I had to react; “Suspecting me of cheating is a clear disrespect to me. I’ve been honest in all my dealings with you. Not once have I even entertained the idea of seeing someone else. Stop shouting at me and solve what’s wrong. When was the last time you touched me? Solve that and stop shouting.” That night he nearly hit me but I wasn’t scared to fight back if he did. That same night I tried touching him and he picked my hand and threw it off like a baseball. I said in my head, “This is where I want you to be a man but you can only roar when there’s nothing to roar about. 

On Val’s day last month, our church organized a program for married women and I attended. I told him four clear days before the d-day. I was at the program when I felt like visiting the washroom. When I went out, I saw his car parked outside. I went close and he wasn’t in the car. I called and ask where he was and he said, “I’m home. Where else could I be?” I shook my head and left. He was around monitoring if I went somewhere else. If I talked to someone on phone, he’ll ask who the person was. If I looked on my phone and smiled, he’ll come and snatch the phone and check what is it that’s making me smile. 

I’m frustrated in the marriage and don’t know what to do. The way he is, if I tell anyone about this issue, that he’s not able to perform beyond two minutes after three months of staying off sex, I swear this guy will divorce me. His ego is larger than himself. Now, I’m in here and don’t know what to do and he won’t give me breathing space too. I can’t visit my own parents and I can’t see my friends because he will think I’m going to see a man. What else can a woman do to escape this prison? 



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